A new week has begun. Let's put the past behind.

This is going to be like a reflective post. So, skip it if you don't see the need to read someone else's reflection :) I would rather, each and every other had a good quiet time doing their own special reflection :)

I've always been treating this blog as a announcement board. I've had friends who come up to me and say "Jessie, we read about you and the things happening to you. But we don't know what's really happening inside". That's the point you see :) Announcements are meant for the public, secrets and heartfelt thoughts are meant for friends. If I would ever need to pour out my heart and soul to a blog, I will really pity myself. How pathetic it will be for a person to only have a blog as a confidant.

But of course, I have no violent objections about people doing that in their own blogs. Some people need that kind of outlet. In fact, the only reason why I'm reading blogs regularly is because I want to know what my dear friends are going through. Just, don't expect me to do that because I am Jessie :)

Today, I've decided to be a little more honest, because I don't want any speculations. The past week has been horrendously horrendous. Maybe if all the unfortunate news were not entwined together and not about the same issues I wouldn't feel the impact as much. However, the good Lord permitted things to happen and it was avalanche after avalanche. A very big event happened in my nuclear family (sorry that's really too personal to be divulged here), my brother and I are desperately preparing for our exams, and yes, my paternal grandma passed away. Some people know about the death, but they don't know the severity of other problems and the emotional turmoil. I blame no one, I really don't blame any. Even to those who have directly caused additional problems to the many existing problems, I forgive them just as God always forgives me no matter what I do.

I fell terribly as a human. On days when I really couldn't take the insults, the physical pain and lack of rest, I could really break down. I thought siblings were meant to help and especially since I have so many, but there seems to be a reversal of roles where they needed my help in actual fact. I keep crying to God, "Father I know you are mighty. Give us peace, give us strength, give us hope, hold us firmly rooted in You." I pray as if there is no tomorrow, I live on just to tide through one day at a time. I recite words of comfort and hope to myself because I know it's not the time to crumble.

I expected some things from some. There was one night where it escalated into disappointment and slight unforgiveness. I quickly told the Lord, that was so human but I definitely did not want to be entrapped. He told me, my love is so narrow. I only wanted to treat others well and expect them to treat me very well too, but that is not supposed to be the way. The kind of wide love that He has in mind, is when others do not give any form of help or comfort that I needed, I still must love them and do good to them. That is God's love. When people rejected Jesus, doubted Him and even whipped Him, He never stopped healing nor reflecting God's love. Almost immediately, I gained the revelation that my love cannot be so narrow or conditional.

Through it all, I think my parents are going through a tougher time. Within a week alone, they have been hurt so many times that I wonder if health and sanity permits. The problem with me is I like to treat other people's problems as my problems. My parents have problems, they become mine; my brothers have problems, they become mine; my sister has problems, they become mine; my relatives have problems, they are all mine. And after adding all these problems to my own set of problems, the effect multiplies to form an ultimate sea of problems. In fact, most of the time I find myself crying because I felt so much pain in others, the pain which indrectly belonged to me and not directly evoked from me. Ah, that's my problem.

I was weeping bitterly during the first few nights of grandma's wake. Yes, she meant alot to me and stuff, but I was really wondering where she was after death. If I knew for sure she's in Heaven now, I wouldn't even cry that much, I would be rejoicing and thanking God her life on earth ended for an eternal life in Heaven. She knew about Jesus, sang praises to Him, listened to stories about Him, but she never seriously accepted Him. Even if she did, she was already senile at that age, who knows if she knew what an important decision she was making to entrust her life in her Maker's hands. Nobody knew, nobody could answer and nobody would bear to think otherwise. And I can go on about my regrets and sadness, but just save it.

During the memorial service, Ah ma's children and grandchildren have been testifying about her pleasant nature and God's goodness in her life. At the age of 86, she was clapping in rhythm to the hymns when they were fellowshipping at my aunt's place. Some of us can't even clap in rhythm. At the age of 86, she wasn't bad-tempered as some elderly would be when they couldn't get their way. She just sat there together with the pastor and other church members, listening to their sharing and making her presence felt. People say that that is God's goodness and grace towards grandma. I believe in that too.

When Nigel came over during the last night, I was sharing with him about my fear for grandma's spirit in eternity. I told him I had asked God, but God hasn't been giving me a definite reply and I didn't have a very good feeling about it. He walked over to look at the peaceful grandma, at that split moment we both felt something stirring. After we walked out to continue our conversation, I saw him looking at me with all genuineness and truth, saying, "I think your grandma is in Heaven". He said too, the weak and aged body may reveal little about grandma's submission to the Lord, but her inner spirit knows, and it gave her the ability to clap in rhythm, sing with joyfulness and listen in spirit and in truth. The body dies away, but the spirit lives on forever.

The next morning, I went up to peaceful grandma and told her straight in the face, "Ah ma, I believe you're in heaven. God's grace has always been with you. I really believe you're in heaven". That's also what my father has been reciting when he was on his knees as we watched her body being cremated, "Ma ma, shang di ai ni. Ma ma, shang di ai ni. Ma ma, shang di ai ni".

I've stopped myself from asking God if grandma is in Heaven. I just believe in one and only one truth in my heart, God loves my grandma.

With one problem and pain down, there are still many unsolvable problems. God is not like a pseudo energy provider, He gives freely to all who ask. I stop trusting in my own ability and the works of my own hands, I let Him take control. When I stumble and fall, I still know He will be with me. There are no many gods. There is only one God who loves all dearly.

Friends out there, I know and understand we all have our own set of problems. My problems may be bigger than some of yours, some of yours are definitely going to be bigger than mine. Let's not classify problems as big, medium or small. Entrust them all into His hands. I will testify, that He gives power, He gives strength, He gives comfort, He gives unity, He gives hope, He gives peace, He gives rest, He gives prosperity, and He, gave His all.

Hearing about the good man called Jesus is not sufficient. You have to accept Him. If you're never going to accept Him, He cannot and will not accept you in front of His Father.